I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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