The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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