Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
