pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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