he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
