i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
