Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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