in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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