Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
