He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
