Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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