The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
