So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
