I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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