I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
