I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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