I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
