Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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