I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
