Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Who died my cat blue again?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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