i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
