I'm going to jail i love you
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
