You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
