he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
