I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
