just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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