Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
