if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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