Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
