Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
