Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
