Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
