I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
