you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Blood and glitter go together right?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
