She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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