Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
