Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
