I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
