evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
