I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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