Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
