i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
