I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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