I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
