I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
