farters have to be the big spoon...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
