If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
