got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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