I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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