I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
