I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
