He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
